There is a man who I love as dearly as any man in this world. I admire him.
I respect him. I love him. Unfortunately, a sharp disagreement has come
between us. While it is not a doctrinal disagreement, it is one about which
we both strongly believe. He would like nothing more than for me to see it
his way so that our relationship can be healed. I would like nothing more
than for him to respectfully accept our disagreement so that our
relationship can be healed. There is a difference!
Unfortunately these types of disagreements often separate dear friends and
brothers in Christ. In our desire to be right we fail to understand that it
is possible for two people to sharply disagree, but to respectfully accept
their differences.
Back in the 1970's a group of men as diverse as could possibly be decided to
join together to conduct a national conference on soul winning and revival.
Their planning stage for the meeting was to take place in Los Angeles. Sadly
what was intended to be a conference on soul winning and revival led to the
separating of friends.
When the men came together their differences became more obvious. Rather
than focusing on the cause for which they had united, they focused on those
differences. When the conference had ended, so had some of their
friendships. Men who once preached together, separated from one another
because they wanted the other to submit to what they believed. They went to
their graves without healing what had once been strong friendships.
Most of these men were heroes of Dr. Hyles. He already knew their
differences. Long ago he had determined not to allow these differences to
put a wedge between himself and the opportunity to be influenced by them. He
did not separate from them, but they separated from each other and him.
I decided to write this article hoping that my friend would read it and that
it would begin the healing between us. However, I am also writing it in
hopes that others could be helped. I have had men cancel meetings with me
because they disagreed with something about which I feel strongly and yet we
still agree on the things that brought us together in the past.
That saddens me. If I had strayed from my position on the King James Bible,
Bible separation, soul winning, or doctrine it would be different. So what
should we do when we disagree with a brother in order not to destroy a
friendship?
1. Don't be careless with friendships.
I saw men separate from Dr. Hyles over a
disagreement. He never stopped loving them. He grieved deeply. He valued the
friendship and never wanted to sacrifice it at the altar of a disagreement.
He remained a friend to many men who walked away from their friendship over
a difference.
2. Don't sacrifice what you could gain over
disagreement. Dr. Hyles would have
loved for R.G. Lee to leave the Southern Baptist Convention, but think of
what he would have lost had he allowed that to separate their friendship.
Dr. Hyles' life was much richer because he refused to let that disagreement
separate them.
Dr. Hyles would have loved for Dr. Rice to agree with him on storehouse
tithing. But, he was not willing to sacrifice all the good that he could
gain from Dr. Rice's wisdom and influence over that one disagreement. I
could go on and speak of Lester Roloff, Bob Jones Sr. and many others with
whom he strongly disagreed on an issue, but refused to allow that
disagreement to destroy what he considered to be an important friendship.
3. Value people over your own authority.
Not everyone has to submit to you, my brother. Not everyone has to do what
you say and believe what you believe. When you make being the authority more
important than the friendship you are not showing your strength; you are
showing weakness. Mrs. Gray and I have strongly disagreed over some things.
Rather than letting those things come between us, we chose to respect the
disagreement. That is how you spare marriages and friendships.
4. Don't rally people to your side. If you are right, then be right, but you don't
need others to validate that. Or do you? Do you really need them to slander
that person to make you feel more right? Do you really need to hurt
another's ministry to feel more right? Do you really need others to question
the other’s spirituality to make you feel more right?
If Mrs. Gray and I disagree strongly over something you better not take my
side against her because my loyalty to Mrs. Gray is more important than your
agreement with me. My friend that is deep! Think about what I just said.
My loyalty to Mrs. Gray is more important than you validating our
disagreement on my behalf at her expense.
If you attack my friend with whom I disagree in an effort to defend me you
have not defended me; you have attacked me. I learned that the hard way from
Dr. Hyles.
5. I Hope that you never discover all the
disagreements you have with all your friends or you will have no more
friends. It's interesting how
inconsistent we really are. The individual who has allowed our disagreement
to harm our relationship remains friends with others with whom I know he has
disagreements. However, the closer you are to someone the more obvious a
disagreement becomes.
I know far more things about which Mrs. Gray and I disagree than I do with
anyone else in the world because I know Mrs. Gray better. There are
preachers who because of their closeness separate over a disagreement, but
who at a distance remain friends with others with whom they would also
disagree. That is one reason why Dr. Hyles said, “Don't get too close to
people you admire. The closer you get, the more likely you will discover
your disagreements.” That my friend is deep but important.
6. Don't look for other faults to validate your
disagreement.
The man who disagrees
with me has scrutinized me in other areas and found “fault.” Somehow that
validates his side of our disagreement. Really? Sadly he has let others
criticize me for other things in defense of his position on our
disagreement. That is so unwise. It is also very unChristlike.
7. Learn to separate relationships. Follow me very closely here. This could save
friendships. Here are two brothers. Both are strong independent fundamental
Baptists. One brother decides that he is going to leave his Independent
Baptist Church and join a non-denominational church that does not use the
King James Bible. They now have a disagreement. The danger is to confuse the
relationship of brother to brother with the relationship of fellow church
member to fellow church member.
These brothers should not allow the relationship as brothers to be damaged
by the disagreement over churches. “But how do you avoid it?” you ask. You
avoid it. If you value your relationship as brothers enough then you agree
to respect the disagreement. Don’t pick at that scab. That is important.
8. Don’t seek concession seek reconciliation.
Why is it so important for them to admit
they are wrong of for you to admit you are wrong. Why don’t you both admit
you disagree and move on? Oh, I know why...PRIDE! Stop it. Let me share
something that is quite remarkable.
The apostle Peter and the Lord Jesus Christ had just had a disagreement.
Jesus told Peter that he would deny him three times and he knew he would.
Peter had just vehemently disagree because he believed he would not. Jesus
knew He was right yet never insisted on Peter agreeing with Him. Just a
little later, when Jesus went to pray in the garden of Gethsemane guess who
Jesus took with him. Yes, Peter.
There is something amazing and sweet about that. Knowing they did not agree,
Jesus still valued his relationship with Peter. Even though Peter did not
admit that Christ was right our Lord invited Peter to that very important
place and hour.
I do not anticipate that this article will mend the rift between the one I
love and myself. In fact I fear it may make it worse. However, what I have
just shared is so needed. There are lessons here that need to be taught and
learned. May God help us to accept disagreement more respectfully and refuse
to allow it to ruin friendships.
