Serving God With the Broken Pieces of My Life
By David J. Stewart | February 2014 | Updated November 2016
Acts 27:40-44, “And when they had taken up the anchors, they committed themselves unto the sea, and loosed the rudder bands, and hoised up the mainsail to the wind, and made toward shore. And falling into a place where two seas met, they ran the ship aground; and the forepart stuck fast, and remained unmoveable, but the hinder part was broken with the violence of the waves. And the soldiers' counsel was to kill the prisoners, lest any of them should swim out, and escape. But the centurion, willing to save Paul, kept them from their purpose; and commanded that they which could swim should cast themselves first into the sea, and get to land: And the rest, some on boards, and some on broken pieces of the ship. And so it came to pass, that they escaped all safe to land.”
There is a wonderful truth tucked away in Acts 27:40-44. Paul was a
prisoner being transported aboard a Roman ship. As the ship sailed close to
land it ran ashore and was broken apart by the violent waves of the Sea. The
advice of the Roman soldiers was to execute all the prisoners, lest they
escape. But the centurion (a commanded over 100 soldiers), didn't want to
execute the apostle Paul. So the centurion ordered for all men aboard,
soldiers and prisoners alike, to swim to the shore. The Bible says that some
of them floated on boards, while others used broken pieces of the ship to
escape to shore. Everyone survived and no one escaped. To hear a precious
sermon by Dr. Jack Hyles, please listen to the MP3 titled, “SOME
ON BROKEN PIECES!”
It is every Christian believer's desire to sail through life as a ship in tact (whole), fulfilling God's perfect plan as we see it for our life. However, as is so often the case because of our inherent sin nature, or because of adverse circumstances beyond our control, our life becomes shipwrecked. God's perfect plan oftentimes is completely different than our perfect plan. Yet, God is still able and willing to use our life to rescue others on the broken pieces of our shipwrecked life. Maybe you can no longer be an entire ship, having forfeited God's perfect plan for your life, but you can still rescue some on the broken pieces of your life. If you have a pulse, you have a purpose!
Joseph's life was shipwrecked. He was betrayed
by his ten half-brothers and sold into slavery. Joseph was wrongfully
imprisoned in Egypt as a slave. Joseph's feet hurt in the leg irons (Psalms
105:17-18). Joseph felt like his life was over. Little did Joseph know or
understand that he was fulfilling God's perfect plan for his life, even as a
shipwrecked life. God used Joseph's life to save millions of people from the
deadly 7-year famine in Egypt.
The Pain of Being a Victim of Divorce
Sadly, after 18 years of marriage, my own wife cut my throat in 2006, turning our marriage license into a weapon. There's no other way to accurately describe it. I didn't want the divorce and tried to stop it (and I have that in writing). Unless you've been betrayed and fed to the wolves by your spouse, you can't even begin to understand the feeling of betrayal, disloyalty and being hated. I overcame the evils of divorce with good, by starting my Soulwinning.info website in May of 2006. My wife abandoned me in March of 2006. I was depressed and sad. So I started a soulwinning website to get even with the Devil (Romans 12:21). Then I received a divorce summons to court in June of 2006. I was devastated. It was costly and painful.
It's been 10 years since the divorce and I am reluctant to remarry. I have lived alone since 2006 with a brokenheart. I get lonely oftentimes. I envy the man who has a prudent (careful and sensible; marked by sound judgment) wife. I turn to the Lord in fellowship, praying and abiding in the Word. I listen to dozens of sermons each week online. I have forgiven my former spouse, as the Lord commands (Matthew 18:35), but she still wrongfully blames me for everything. That's a heavy burden to unfairly lay upon your husband, blaming him for all of your sins, faults and shortcomings. That's not true Christianity! We haven't as much as hugged in 10 years. There's nothing left. Due to my chronic neck pain, and razorblade-like pain radiating down my arms and legs (which is a permanent disability), it is difficult for me to be around people, because they don't understand my pain and how it adversely affects me.
Hence, I'm at home most of the time. I live alone. I physically attend church as my health allows. These are the cards I've been dealt in life. That's why I listen to so much preaching at home. I know it's not the same as being in the pew, but it's the best that I can do being in constant pain. God understands and He feels my horrible pain. It is bodily torture for me to sit through a church service, with stabbing pain shooting down the entire right side of my body from my neck to my toe. I tried to show one local Baptist pastor earlier this year my neck's MRI images, but he seemed like he couldn't have cared less. The pastor seemed like he was in a hurry and didn't have any interest in the least of my MRI images. I was trying to explain my situation and how it all affects me. I might as well have been talking to the church's piano instead, or an empty pew. People are people. Everything irritates me, so I have to be careful to always be on guard, as to not be unkind to anyone. We live in perilous times today (2nd Timothy 3:1-2).
I thank God for my imperfect, but strict,
father. I am thankful that despite my constant chronic neck pain, I am
not paralyzed and confined to a wheelchair. I thank God that I didn't
commit suicide when the bottom of my life fell out years ago, after my
wife divorced me, and everything went from bad to worse, and all hope
seemed lost. I actually bought two small barbeques and two bags of
charcoal, ready to commit suicide like rock singer Brad Delp sadly did
in 2007. I thank God that I just decided to wait one more day, and see
what happened. My faith in God, and 8 years of Dr. Jack Hyles' stored
preaching (1985-1993) in my soul, sustained me during the storm. I lost
my home and now rent. I lost most of my possessions. I lost my pets. I
wept uncontrollably like a baby. I didn't have a friend to hug or
encourage me. I lost my wife and now live alone. I lost my retirement
and will never invest another penny. My mindset is set on things
above!!! I'm soul-winning and packing out the pews in Heaven!
My Troublesome Marriage, Unwanted Divorce, Hardships, Depression, Health Woes, Loneliness and Shipwrecked Life!
I didn't realize when I got married in 1987 how much influence a spouse could have on me. Kindly, I couldn't have picked a worse wife. She would probably say something similar about me. I was only 20 years old. She was 25. Although I'm not blaming her, by the time I graduated Hyles-Anderson College in 1993, I was so tired and drained from the constant troubles in my marriage that I was totally burned out. In my humble opinion, I made a big mistake in not marrying a graduate of Hyles-Anderson. My wife didn't think like me. She didn't share my passions toward life, music and my ministry. I made the grave mistake of thinking that I could change her once we were married. Boy, was I wrong! My friend, what you see is what you get! Don't ever foolishly think that you can change a person after you marry them, because you cannot!
The person that you marry is going to have the most significant influence upon your daily life than anything else!!! I don't care how much you love and walk with God, a troublesome spouse will stifle your ambition, drag you down, and depress you continually. Proverbs 14:1, “Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.” I would give everything I own in this world to have a Proverbs 31 wife. And I want to be a Proverbs 28 man! Proverbs 28:14, “Happy is the man that feareth alway: but he that hardeneth his heart shall fall into mischief.” Solomon said out of 1000 women, he couldn't find even one that was truly faithful. Ecclesiastes 7:28, “Which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found.” In my opinion, the most important quality of a wife is LOYALTY! That means she will never do anything to deliberately hurt, betray or disgrace her husband. Marriage is two people making a life for each other. Loving a sick wife back to health is one thing, but loving a rebellious wife that continually discourages you is not as easy.
The truth hurts. I'm the biggest sinner I know, so it's not about me being less of a sinner. It's about being responsible and fulfilling your duties. I couldn't get her to cook, clean, or fulfill her wifely duties. It was a continual uphill battle to get her just to be a wife and a mother. She would put crap-filled diapers in the dresser drawers instead of the garbage. She'd put pots and pans with food under the sink, and I'd find them days later caked with rotting mold and stench. More times than I can remember, during zero degree Chicago winters, I'd have to go to work wearing frozen underwear. She'd wash the clothes and not dry them. On occasion she didn't wash the clothes at all and I'd have to wear dirty underwear to work. She gave me food poisoning. One day she handed me a drink wish Ajax dish soap in it. I saw the bubbles after I thought it tasted funny. She didn't believe me until she tasted it. Then she started crying and called the emergency room to ask if she had killed me. Oh yeah, being married was just great. Not! She'd often set the mail down and it would fall behind the furniture. I wouldn't find out that bills were due until collection agencies started contacting me. It is easy for people to judge from a distance. But if they walked in my shoes, they would have been frustrated just like I was for 18 years. In hindsight, I realize that she just was never cut out to be a wife or a mother. I didn't know how to deal with that.
Everything she touched turned to ruin. I got tired of her losing the mail, so I built a two foot deep mailbox, because I couldn't find one big enough to buy. I built it, put a lock on it, and mounted it to the inside of the door. I cut a big hole through the door for magazine sized mail. She wasn't allowed to touch the mail. This is considered “abuse” by today's scumbag judges and lawyers, but they aren't the ones who get in trouble when the bills don't get paid, because your wife is a knucklehead who cannot even be responsible with the mail. Multiply this times a thousand and it describes my 18 years of marriage! I learned the hard way that there is the engagement ring, the wedding ring and then THE SUFFERING!!! After 10 years since the divorce, I'm still recovering.
I knew I was making a big mistake the day I was married. I distinctly remember that there was a big gapping lonely feeling in my heart the day I was married. I knew that I was marrying a woman that I had hardly any feelings toward. But I was scared to turn back and foolishly figured one wife is no different than the next. I was so stupid! Women are as different as steel guitar pickups! I try to stay positive and count my blessings. When I think of all the married couples who desperately wish they could have their own children, but cannot, I praise God for my four children. Yet, I wouldn't do it all again if given the choice. I couldn't bear to go through all that misery, fighting and loneliness again. For most of my troubled marriage, I felt like I had five children to raise, because my wife was at the same level mentally as the four children. I didn't have a trustworthy friend, pal, lover or confidant. I realize that all women have some element of being a little girl. Hey, I still love fireworks and watching butterflies. Although having the ability to be a well-rounded child, juvenile, adult is healthy, being married to someone who lacks the ability to be a responsible adult is not. For 18 years she lied to me on impulse about nearly everything. Habitually, I couldn't get her to be honest with me. She went behind my back regularly, deceiving me about matters. I've never had a soul mate.
During our marriage, if I mentioned anything to her about her lack of responsibility, she'd go out the back or front door and leave for hours, days, weeks and even at times for a month. Once she left for a month and I lost 30 pounds, because I was so distraught and nerve-racked. She came back 15 pounds heavier. Over 18 years, she literally walked out the door over 1,000 times, and that's a conservative figure. I was the only person in the world to whom she had to answer for her lack of character, and she became angry and resentful continually, leaving out the door. Try that at any job and see what happens... You're fired! When the children grew older, she messed up the house more than all of them combined. Whereas I lived by the motto, “A place for everything and everything in its place,” her lackadaisical attitude was, “Any place is the place for everything!” What a nightmare!!!
If you've been visiting my website for any length of time, then you've read some of the horrorifying articles in my women's section. I'm sure it was obvious to many of you that my articles were written from my own personal marital troubles. In desperation, I took my wife to several psychiatrists over the years for help, because something was very wrong with her. I've heard Dr. Hyles say in his preaching that at times he does recommend a psychiatrist for some people. Faithful church attendance wasn't helping our marriage. Pastoral counsel didn't help her. The psychiatrists diagnosed her with hormonal imbalance, regressive anger from her youth, a chemical imbalance of the brain, three times she was diagnosed with clinical depression and even post-traumatic stress (i.e., they blamed me). They put her on prescription drugs... Prozac, Paxil and others! She became a zombie! I had to become a mother in addition to being a father. It was a really tough time! No one can give you character!!!
I was at the end of my rope with her emotional mood swings. On a regular basis she'd leave out the door, screaming at the top of her lungs in the backyard for hours. If I went out in the yard to try to talk with her, she go into the alley. If I went into the alley, she'd go down into the park, 3 am in the morning. So I learned to go inside the house and just leave her be. There was nothing else I could do. She'd go out in the winter, barefoot in the snow, freezing when she returned, totally exhausted. She'd sleep for 10 hours. We went through this emotional rollercoaster for 18 years! I worked midnight shift as a mechanic for 7 years (1993-2000), while she slept normal hours. I'd come home from work at 8 am, hungry and tired, and if I said one word about anything she didn't want to hear (like a stinking filthy house), she'd get angry and leave for the rest of the day. She'd refuse to come home until I left to go back to work in the afternoon. She'd make me pay every time! We went through this hundreds of times. She frequently women's shelters, because they took her in. Ninety percent of our arguments were over her lack of responsibility to simply fulfill her agreed upon duties.
I was reasonable with her. I told her not to worry about folding the clothes, just wash and dry them and put them in the drawer. We started using disposable paper plates, so she could just throw the plates in the garbage to eliminate doing any dishes. I asked her to buy me small boxes of chicken wings at the grocery store for work, so she wouldn't have to prepare me a lunch (and I wouldn't get food poisoning). I did what I could to make her life easier (and mine). But it was all to no avail, she just wouldn't fulfill her role as a mother and a wife. It continually depressed me, and I was lonely and frustrated in my marriage.
One night in anger she threw my car keys out the back window in a foot of snow. I was 20 minutes late for work, because I had to search for my keys in the snow. Because of her gossiping tongue on the phone with my friend's wife, she cost me one of my best friends from Bible college. Proverbs 16:28b, “a whisperer separateth chief friends.” Obviously, we didn't have a working marriage. At best it was a miserable nightmare. When she often screamed in the backyard, for every neighbour to hear, she'd mention intimate things from our bedroom. It was embarrassing. My wife was a constant source of embarrassment for me. Proverbs 12:4, “A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.” Neighbours would shout, telling her to “Shut up!”
I worked a full-time job and she stayed at home full-time, loafing quite a bit. There's a popular saying that says, “Man's job is from dusk to dawn but a woman's job is never done!” That's only true if a woman is a Proverbs 31 woman, whose “candle goeth not out by night” (Proverbs 31:18). After working all night, I had to come home and babysit a brat wife. I paid the bills, but came home to a filthy pigsty and my children went to school in 40 degree weather with no coats. One day she came home mad, because a women saw the children with no coats and said, “It's 40 degrees and your children have no coats! What kind of mother are you?” I was so glad that someone else was telling her off and she couldn't walk out the door or escape deserved criticism. Unfortunately, thousands of other times the burden all fell upon me, and I was helpless to say or do anything that wouldn't come back to haunt me. It got so bad that I used to suggest that she go out by herself for a few hours, and I'd give her some money to spend, and I'd stay home alone and work on my websites. It helped prevent many arguments.
Albeit, I was very lonely living with a wife who wouldn't cook, clean or be a wife. I bought her books on how to love a man, but she refused to read them. We definitely had romance problems. She viewed our bed with disgust. Even after brushing my teeth, she literally refused to open her mouth to kiss me, repeatedly saying, “I don't like germs!” How does a man deal with such rejection from his own wife? God knows I speak the truth. She was a lousy wife. I've only been married once, and it was one time too many! Even if you fill out a prenuptial agreement (which I never did), they don't always hold up in court. There is no protection against a crooked court system and a disloyal wife. I fully understand why men are reluctant to get married these days. The benefit-to-risk ratio isn't worth it anymore. In essence, marriage means a man trading 30 years of happiness for one month of pleasure. When I hear a man thanking his loyal wife publicly, I am compelled to leave the church auditorium, because I cannot hold back the tears. I've never known such loyalty in a wife. All I've known from a wife is irresponsible and childish behavior, betrayal, stubbornness and evil. I am reluctant to listen to Proverbs 31, because it grieves my heart that I've never found such a woman. Proverbs 31:12, “She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.”
Our youngest daughter had a bladder control problem. She used to come home with notes saying that she smelled like urine. Her mother might as well have not been there. I became depressed from living with such a messed up wife. Everyone blamed me. Her hateful mother blamed me. Thug women cops blamed me. Her loser friends blamed me. Not one “doctor” ever diagnosed her with the truth, which is, “You're lazy and you need to get right with God!” In hindsight, I realize that I was young and reacted improperly to the situation. I withdrew from people, because my wife would end up at the home of every person we knew. She went to every neighbour's home in the late hours of the night, and they'd call the cops. One day she ran out the front door naked with an American flagged draped around her. It was an insane marriage! I do know for a 100% fact that I would NEVER marry her again! In hindsight, I don't know anything that I could have done to make things better, except not get married to her in the first place.
Even to this day, she couldn't care less about my ministry. She never reads my website. When we were married, she never encouraged my labors for the Lord, not in the least. In fact, during the divorce my cutthroat wife tried to use my own ministry against me. Her thug attorney demanded my tax returns for 5 years, thinking that I was making money from my websites. He found out that I've never made a single penny. My lawyer said that her lawyer was impressed that with a website as large as mine, I wasn't making any money. I told my lawyer what I tell everyone... I do what I do for the Lord Jesus Christ! By God's grace, my website ministry has grown much larger over the past 10 years since the divorce. My attorney charged me thousands of dollars extra to comb through my website, to see if there was anything my wife's bastard lawyer could use against me. Great wife, huh?
I used to play my pedal steel guitar for her, trying to impress her, but she never cared at all. My music means nothing to her. If I was in the house, she wanted to go outside. If I was outside, she wanted to go into the house. We were never friends, pals or lovers. We were the odd couple from day one, and she was as a crippling ball and chain in my life. That's just the plain truth, not a self-righteous rant. I'm the biggest sinner I know, and I do not condemn her, but this was my life (if you can call it that). I know the grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence, but my marriage was a thorny weed patch!
I cope with my chronic neck pain from day-to-day.
Thankfully, I am fully functional bodily, I'm just in constant pain, and
little things irritate me. I don't have a cellphone, because I don't
have the patience for it. I don't want to deal with recharging it,
entering numbers, dealing with an operator, et cetera. I check my mail
box once a month, because my bills come monthly. I just ordered a new
phone from Amazon.com, with a silent mode, because I don't want to be
disturbed. I like my privacy. That's how I deal with my constant chronic
pain. I have simplified my life. I avoid monthly payment plans. I don't
give out my e-mail to businesses, because they never respect the
customer. I don't sign up for anything. I don't want to text anyone, nor
have them text me. No thanks! I don't want portable internet. I don't
have television. I don't need it. I watch news online if I want to hear
all the garbage (and that's all it is these days). YouTube has plenty of
interesting documentaries and videos. Most news is so
depressing and worthless. I have learned that the less I own, and the
less dealings I have with people, the happier I am. The Lord Jesus
Christ is my best Friend.
Love Covereth All Sins
I am being gentle, careful what I say. I am aware of the Scripture from Proverbs 10:12, “Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins.” I am simply sharing a brief autobiography of a painful segment of my life. I need to get this stuff off my chest, so to speak. I've been keeping it in for a decade. I want my web visitors who love me to know what I've been through. Please continue reading and you'll see the flipside to the story. I am not writing this article to criticize my x-wife, God knows my heart.
Like I said, she doesn't read my articles and couldn't care less about my ministry. She never did. She has no part in my labors for the Lord Jesus Christ! The day she filed for a legal divorce, she no longer had any part in my ministry. Her loss will be great in eternity. Of the thousands of souls saved by God's grace through this ministry, she has no part in any of it. Daniel 12:3, “And they that be wise shall shine as the brightness of the firmament; and they that turn many to righteousness as the stars for ever and ever.” I humbly believe that thousands of people will one day thank me in Heaven, appreciate that they were led to Christ through my ministry labors for Christ. To God be all the glory. I have already received many such e-mails from grateful web visitors who've been saved through this ministry. God doesn't reward rebellious, slackard, lazy wives. Yet, it is not my place to condemn anyone for their sins. God will judge all of us. WHAT IS REAL CHRISTLIKENESS? (MP3, Dr. Hyles; it's loving, forgiving and giving 2nd chances).
She now works a part-time minimum wage job and gets welfare foodstamps. In compassion, I have often given my x-wife money. I've bought her thousands of dollars in groceries, and provided for her needs, even after all the evil she has done to me. That is God's unconditional love. Many men would hate a former spouse that caused him $125,000 in financial loss, causing him to lose his home, and destroyed his life. I've been renting an apartment ever since I lost my home and likely will never own a home again. I am being like Jesus to return love and generosity for her hatred, betrayal and cruelty. To this day she refuses to apologize for anything. Yet, I separate my personal feelings from my desire to please God. My personal feelings tell me to go my way and never speak to her again; but the Holy Spirit tells me to be forgiving, kind, help my family here and there (if I can), and serve the Lord faithfully. Life is too short to live with a burden of hatred. I heard a Baptist preacher errantly teach the other day that Christians will not be judged in eternity, but we will. That is why it is called the “JUDGMENT SEAT OF CHRIST” (2nd Corinthians 5:10-11). We will not be condemned.
I let go of any anger I felt into God's hands several years ago. I want to love everyone, with God's unconditional love. With my x-wife it's not a matter of love or forgiveness, she's already forgiven; but rather, it's a matter of lost trust. I don't trust her anymore. She still sasses and disrespects me openly at times. For that reason I avoid personal conversations with her. I have every reason to hate my x-wife, but God's love and mercy are greater than my own feelings. The Word of God (i.e., the King James Bible) truly is a precious Book to live by. Ephesians 4:32, “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.” If God can forgive a dirty sinner like me, I certainly can forgive anybody, and I do. God knows that I do not harbor hatred or bitterness against my x-wife. When I get in my emotional moods due to my medications, I immediately pray for her. That is how you live the Christian life, bringing every evil thought into captivity. 2nd Corinthians 10:5, “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.”
Perhaps you're thinking, as I would be, “Well
what about your sins and failures?” You are right! It takes two to
tango. I admit that I was not a perfect husband. I made bad decisions. I
made mistakes. I failed also. I am the biggest sinner I know (and so are
you in your own eyes if you're right with God, Romans 7:24). I wasn't
always as understanding as I should have been. I wasn't always as
patient as I could have been. But I always went to work and paid 100% of
the bills. I always provided as a man for my family. She never had to
ask me to go to work; whereas I had to ask her continually to cook,
clean and be an affectionate wife. It just didn't happen!!! She never
did grow up. The problem is that I tend to blame myself for everything,
which is not right in God's eyes. And my x-wife tends to blame me for
everything as well. I have the Biblical attitude, “WE HAVE SINNED!”
Whereas my x-wife has the unbiblical mindset, “YOU HAVE SINNED!” That is
unfair and a heavy burden to lay upon one's spouse, blaming them for
everything! That is heathendom, not Bible Christianity. The mature
Christian always has the humble mindset, “WE
HAVE SINNED!”
Where Do I Go from Here?
I am often reminded of a cautionary Scripture in 1st Corinthians 7:27b, “Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife.” Feminism has ruined our nation. The courts are biased, wicked and unpredictable. Women are rebellious, lazy and delusional, spoiled by the welfare state and indoctrinated by television. I thank God for you virtuous and prudent ladies left in America, both of you! It is tragic that a man's best earthly friend is a dog and not his wife. Only God knows what the future holds. And He certainly does know, doesn't He? I pray continually for God to give me wisdom, to guide my steps, and help me figure out my life, because I've been suffering from bouts of depression for several years now. Being in constant bodily pain, prescription drug side-effects, and loneliness can seem overwhelming at times. It's difficult to have any kind of a social life. I'm a loner by nature. My pain compels me to stay home most of the time.
And then when I found a Baptist church in 2013-2014 where I felt welcomed, they kicked me out because I was forbidden from sharing any sermons or books that promote the exclusivity of the King James Bible only. They promote Dr. John MacArthur, who says that Jesus' blood is not in Heaven on the Mercy Seat, and children cannot be saved, and you must surrender to Christ's Lordship to be saved. Those are all heresies! I couldn't stay in such wicked apostasy, while they promote dozens of corrupt modern Bible revisions from the perverted Alexandrian Greek. Today's churches are also lost in life, but don't want to be shown the correct way. How wicked and shameful are such pastors and churches!!! But even as I tried to attend church regularly, I was being tortured in bodily pain. People just don't understand, but God does thankfully. I live in my own little world of pain and affliction. For me it is the new norm, but it is still a challenge from day-to-day.
I have to force myself to get out more despite my chronic pain and neck tension, which usually quickly leads to difficulty coping with it all. I like to stay home, but I need to get out. These are perilous times. People are not always understanding. Many people are angry at the world inside. My neck pain worsens easily. God is good and I'm not complaining. It's just that my circumstances are hindering me from changing my circumstances. Living in constant neck pain that radiates down my limbs is difficult to cope with. I live alone, so I cook, do laundry, barbeque, clean, go shopping, I do everything!
By God's grace, I'm praying, hoping and planning to move in a couple years. Maybe not, who knows! Please pray for me, if anyone is reading this. It would mean so much to me just to receive your prayers. My heart is not set on moving to any certain place. I'm considering Pensacola, Florida. I have also thought about somewhere in North Carolina. I know God answers prayer. I'm looking at churches right now, and it's not looking good. They all teach Lordship Salvation. I'd never go to a church that uses corrupt Bible revisions or teaches Lordship Salvation. Sadly, that includes 80% of Baptist churches today.
I ask for your prayers for my health, and for God to help me make the decisions ahead, Lord willing. Does anybody pray anymore? I do. And of course, please pray for my humble ministry for the Lord, that God will help me know what to preach, or not preach, and that lost souls would be saved, and that the lives of believers will be changed to get busy serving God, trying to win souls. Thank you if you do pray! Each month over one million people visit my seven various ministry websites for the Lord. You're a part of that if you pray, a co-labourer together in Christ! I'm just a nobody who knows a Somebody in Christ Jesus!
I truly feel lost in life, stuck between the life I once had and the life I hope to someday have (likely in Heaven with my Lord). I just don't seem to fit in anywhere. I guess that's a good thing with the condition of the world these days, including the apostate churches. Being in constant pain is a lonely feeling, because no one knows what I'm feeling inside. Please pray for God to give me wisdom in moving, finding a prudent wife, and trying to piece my life back together. If not, then I'll just keep serving the Lord day-by-day until my time to go home comes. I have mixed feelings on getting remarried. On one hand I'm thinking that it wouldn't be fair to expect a woman to live with me because I'm in constant pain and everything irritates me, but on the other hand, I think that it is her decision if she wants to live with me, and I shouldn't think negative and frighten myself out of a happier life. I suppose that's what I'm afraid of, that is, it might not be a “happier” life. But I won't know unless I try, amen! My first and only marriage was a disaster, as I have shared the reasons why with you. It all depends on the personality and character of the person we marry, and our own. That's more easily said than done, isn't it? One day at a time! That's the only way to live life—one day at a time—because that's how God gives it.
Since the divorce in 2006 my life has felt like the 1972 movie “Poseidon,” in which a rogue tidal wave capsizes an oceanliner cruise ship. The blockbuster movie was remade in the year 2006 (the same year as my unwanted divorce... Go figure!). My life feels like the “Poseidon,” and I'm still trying to find my way out of the capsized ship! I'm just keeping my eyes on the precious Lord Jesus Christ!!! I wish Jesus would come back today! I could tell you so many more hardships that I've endured, but you get the basic idea of my situation. Wonderfully, God has taken the broken pieces of my life and used them to rescue others from drowning in the stormy seas of life. My favorite sermon by Dr. Jack Hyles is titled just that, “SOME ON BROKEN PIECES.” I can help others, because I've been there, and am there! I know pain, loss and afflictions. I'm just rescuing others on the broken pieces of my shipwrecked life!
It's been sailing through rough uncharted waters these past 10 years. Divorce is a cruel and evil act of betrayal to do to one's spouse. I lost my home. I lost all my pets. I lost my confidence. I lost most of my personal possessions. I lost most of the equity in my home to pay for outrageous legal expenses. I lost my retirement. My disgruntled wife got a free probono lawyer, by falsely accusing me of abuse (but she failed to substantiate her claims). It didn't matter, she still paid nothing for her lawyer! That's how the corrupt legal system works. My lawyer told me that by alleging “abuse,” she automatically got a free lawyer. It was an ongoing nightmare. My legal costs skyrocketed in a series of legal battles and hardships that eventually amounted to over $125,000. I lost nearly everything, including my home and equity to pay for it all! I wanted to die. You don't easily recover from something like that. It's difficult to trust a woman again, understandably.
At one point, with everything going from bad to worse, I couldn't bear the heavy burden anymore and I just let it all go into God's hands, knowing that ultimately He alone will be the only Judge in all matters (James 4:12; Ecclesiastes 12:13-14; 1st Thessalonians 4:6; Matthew 12:36; Romans 14:10-12; 2nd Corinthians 5:10-11; 1st Peter 4:17; Proverbs 21:2; Romans 8:34). I choose to forgive everyone, claiming the peace of God that passeth all understanding (Philippians 4:6-7), and trust my good God to judge all matters and set things right in eternity (Hebrews 4:13). As much as I don't like to admit it, I am increasingly convinced that it may be God's will for me to remain unmarried for the rest of my life. I hope to remarry if I can find a loyal wife, if the chemistry is right between us. I think some couples just clique and others don't. Opposites may attract, but they don't always make good marriages.
I have been very lonely over the past decade, from all the inexplicable
emotional trauma I've suffered since 2006. I've been deeply hurt by so
many cruel people. My prescription medications also affect
me to a degree emotionally and physically. I
claimed God's promise in James 4:8-10 today and spent time drawing nigh
unto God, because I need to be close to the Lord now more than ever, and
I want to. Jesus means everything to me!!! It is a challenge for me to
attend church regularly. I thank God that I can virtually sit in the pew
of several churches each week, via the internet, and partake of the
preaching. God knows my heart, that I desire to be around God's people.
Sadly, everytime I go to a church, I end up writing articles about the
apostasy!
The
Bible teaches that it is UNWISE to compare ourselves amongst each other.
Everybody's circumstances are different. 2nd Corinthians 10:12, “For
we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some
that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves
by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.”
My heart is always heavy, and I need your earnest prayers friend.
Psalms 6:3, “My soul is also sore vexed: but thou, O LORD, how long?”
Everything That God Does is Right!
I want to testify that God is a good God! Everything that God does is right. God never makes any mistakes. I don't blame anyone for my failures, shortcomings and sins in life except myself. But I also know better than allow someone else to blame me for their sins, shortcomings and failures. 1st Corinthians 11:31, “For if we would judge ourselves, we should not be judged.” I continually judge myself as an unworthy sinner in God's sight (Romans 7:24). I choose to forgive others and love everyone, regardless of who they are. Albeit, I cannot control what other people do. If someone wants to hate me and harbor bitterness, that is on them.
If my former spouse blames me for her mistakes, sins and faults, then that is between her and God alone, but I forgive her. I lost all my pets in the divorce in 2006. One of my pets was a beloved cat I had for 9 years. I never saw my cat again! My x-wife just heartlessly got rid of it. Yet, earlier this year when her dog needed a blood transfusion and was going to die, and she had no money, I paid $500 to save her dog's life. Over the past year I paid to have her teeth examined and cleaned. She stays in the same building as our 24 year old daughter. I help them out when I can. That is being Christlike. I bought her a new cellphone several months ago and paid to activate the account. It cost me $550. We are nothing more than distant family. We are not even friends. She is unwilling to apologize for anything. Amos 3:3, “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” I've learned from Brother Hyles to separate principles from feelings.
Out of the kindness of my heart, I have voluntarily given my x-wife thousands of dollars over the years, since the divorce, just to show forth God's love. That's God's unconditional love my friend. When she needed an inhaler, I bought it for her. When she needed money to pay the penalty for being late on her rent, I paid it. I never lend her money, because I always give it to her instead. When she asked for $120 to pay an unexpected bill, I gave her the money. When she said the bill was cancelled, I told her to keep the money anyway. Several months ago I ordered her a two-year subscription for the Sword Of The Lord for 2-years. She's not my friend. I don't like her. I would never remarry her. I don't go anywhere alone with her. But she's the mother of my children, and I honor that. I think that's being a second mile Christian. THE SECOND MILE CHRISTIAN | MP3 (awesome sermon by Atty. David Gibbs Jr. of the CLA).
This is for a stubborn woman who after 10 years since divorcing me against my will in 2006, still refuses to apologize for anything from our 18 miserable years of a troubled marriage. This is a wicked woman who blames me for all her sins, faults and shortcomings. Yet, if God is kind to the evil and the unthankful, so should His children be. Luke 6:35, “But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil.” The primary reason that I can be generous and kind toward my malicious x-wife is because I have placed her into God's hands for judgment (2nd Corinthians 5:9-11; Romans 14:10-11; Proverbs 24:12). Forgiveness is placing a matter into God's hands for judgment, so that you can find peace within yourself and move on for God. I have peace in my heart with God. I rejoice that my name is written in Heaven. Although I feel lost in this earthly life, I have a hope of eternal life (Titus 1:2). Everything's alright in my Father's house! Hallelujah!
